I’ve done it again…I slipped back into the shadows. I was shocked when I came back to this blog and saw that it had been 5 months! THIS is how life slips away when you succumb to your insecurities! THIS has been my pattern my whole life except usually it takes years for me to come back so I guess I AM making a little progress.
I have this funny image of myself darting in and out of a cave like some predatory animal waiting for its prey. I keep hidden until I see what I want and then I come out with spectacular purpose and drive. I stay out just long enough to create a stir and attract attention for my efforts and then, when I realize that I am seen, I feel vulnerable and exposed and retreat back to my cave. When you are trying to achieve anything in life (for me its being a singer/songwriter), THIS DOES NOT WORK! I am deathly afraid of making a mistake and looking like a fool. Usually what begins my retreat IS said mistake. Instead of learning to pivot in life when I make a mistake or a miscalculation, I begin the negative self-talk. It’s like there is another person inside me reminding me of everything I have ever done wrong and how inept I really am. AND… even worse…. everyone else sees how stupid I am and is thinking the same thing about me! Oh, the stories we tell! Have you every done this to yourself? Usually what happens next is that I begin seeking approval from others to make myself feel better. I will recount stories of hardship from my past to validate my actions and try to make everyone understand ME. I will put all other things on hold until I am back in good graces with everyone.
ME ME ME ……. Do you see how incredibly self centered this whole thing is? In actuality, probably NOBODY noticed “the mistake” or even cared! EVERYONE is fighting their own battles and trying to achieve their own goals and making a hell of a lot of mistakes along the way too. It’s not all about me! We are ALL in this thing together. Mistakes and all! Nobody gets a pass on this. Have you ever seen a celebrity or even just someone you really look up to show their vulnerability and talk about a mistake they made or a regret they have? When they really own it and show just how human they are, you feel connected to them because you identify with that on some level. That’s because were are all just trying to figure out this thing called “Life”. We are all learning as we go no matter what stage of life we’re in. Also, we all have the “story of our past” that can work for or against us. It depends on how we choose to proceed. Will we be a victim or will we use our life lessons to propel us into our life’s purpose? I am realizing these things for the first time in my life. That’s kind of embarrassing to admit since I’m no spring chicken but it’s the truth. Better late then never!
So, as for the mistake that drove me back into the cave for 5 months, I have made my apologies because it did affect someone I have great respect for…. and I have dusted myself off and put my boots back on. Am I afraid to make that mistake again? Yep. You bet I am. Aren’t you? But what scares me more is coming to the end of my life and having never left my cave. I am lucky. I am one of those people who feel a calling in life. I’m going to jump into the deep end and learn to swim. Come with me…