It’s winter time in Northern Indiana and on this particular day we are all indoors trying to escape the -16 degree weather! Right now, in my mind, I can hear an older generation scold me and tell me about how they walked to school in -20 degree weather! My respects to you! You are truly a tougher generation! I prefer the comfort of my home office (in front of the fireplace with my pug on my lap). This is my favorite place to be while I ponder world domination. Not really…. I don’t want to dominate the world, just my life. But THAT has proven to be quite a chore!
Today I am struggling with my self esteem. AGAIN!!! It was only a few months back that I was within 14 lbs of my weight loss goal of 100 lbs… feeling confident while performing my music in front of my peers… Now I am 30+ lbs from it and want to hide! I feel so ashamed of myself. I’m embarrassed to be seen. It feels like I not only let myself down but I also let down all the friends and family that were rooting for my success… all of those who where so “proud” of me. I’ve been here so many times that you’d think by now I would have learned something. Well, maybe I have. I think, for me, there is more to sustained weight loss then deprivation and losing the pounds. I believe I have to change my mind set. I know, I know….. Duh right?! What can I say, I guess I’m a slow learner.
It wasn’t until after my Father died in 2016 that I began to realize my true potential, that maybe I AM capable of achieving my goals. Before then, in my mind, I never did anything right. I was never good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough…and the list goes on. I couldn’t save my Dad from his destructive ways. I couldn’t save my Mom from my Dad. I couldn’t save my sister and myself from late night sneaky uncles…. Oh yes…. I went there. It’s a part of me that I cannot and will not deny. It’s no wonder I hid under extra pounds right?! Well, that and the fact that I love food. It is truly my drug of choice. LOL! I don’t mean to make light of a serious subject. I am only laughing at myself. Ok, back to “true potential”.
Today I face down the demon again and I forgive myself for backsliding into my old ways of self destructive thoughts and behaviors. I can only do this by imagining myself as my granddaughter coming to me for guidance after making a mistake. Would I kick her butt (well maybe a little). Would I tell her how stupid she is (NEVER!)? Would I tell her that she can never seem to do anything right (HELL NO!)? I would hug her and love her through it. I would help her to forgive herself and to try again. I would encourage her by reminding her of how strong she is and that we are all learning. I use the image of my granddaughter instead of my own children because I am a much better grandparent then I ever was a parent. When I was raising my kids I was guilty of repeating negative self-talk to them. I wish I had been more loving and patient. THAT is a whole different story and we won’t go there today. Today I’m going to go ahead and write that song and book that gig. Come Friday I’ll stand up on that stage in my size bigger clothes and be proud that I’m scared as hell but doing it anyway!